(Cue music) dummm dumm dum dum dim dum dum.
Tom Tucker: Tonight’s edition of Quahog 5 News will cover the controversial decision the jury came to on the Alleged Double Porkicide Case of two local pigs, Sex and Drugs. On the case, our correspondent, Tricia Takanawa, has all the details outside of the Slaughterhouse County Criminal Court. Tricia:
Tricia Takanawa: Yes Tom, I am standing outside the Slaughterhouse County Criminal Court where the jury has finally come to a decision on the hotly debated Double Porkicide case that has torn this community in two. I have received word that the jury has acquitted the wolf on both counts of homicide. Sex and Drugs, along with a third brother, Rock and Roll, have been known to be free spirits with their own agenda who were menaces to society at times, where Big Bernie Wolfoff is the CEO of a very successful mutual fund. Some believe that Wolfoff’s standing in society as well as the troubled past of the three pigs weighed heavily on the decision while others believe a biased jury was at work in this case as the entire jury consisted of anti-beef campaigning cows. The argument of the defense was that the death of the first pig, Sex, was an accident and the death of the second pig, Drugs, was self-inflicted. Tom, Mr. Wolfoff is leaving the courthouse now. I’ll try and get a comment. Mr. Wolfoff, Mr. Wolfoff a word please. Please tell us how these pigs died.
Mr. Wolfoff: As I testified in court, the death of Sex was an accident. Sex and I where neighbors and some would even call us friends. I got a phone call from Sex saying that he needed my help. Like the good neighbor I am, I obliged and went to his house. When I got there he had a blow up doll out and was surfing the net for something called the Kama Sutra. Being the upstanding citizen that I am I have never heard of this Kama Sutra. Bang Bros. is more my taste. Anyway, he said he needed my help to “try something out” for a book he was writing because the doll just wasn’t cutting it. He laid curled up in the fetal position and asked me to sit on him. I said that I didn’t think it was a good idea but he insisted. When I sat on him I heard a crunch. I got off and saw his neck was broken. He was dead. I started to freak out and began breathing really heavily when his house started to fall apart. Once I calmed down, I saw his entire house collapsed and he was just lying there dead. I committed no crime. The only crime would have been if I let his body waste away. Instead I put his body to good use and I ate it like any normal member of society would have done. After that I thought I would do the right thing and let a family member know of his death. I know his brother Rock and Roll is constantly away on tour so I decided to go to Drugs’ house against my better judgment. Upon arrival I saw Drugs dead on the floor with a rubber band tied around his arm and a needle by his side. Guess he’s been holding out on me, but that’s not the point. I started hyperventilating again because I’m just not use to this stuff and Drugs’ house came crashing down. Again, any sane person knows that you do not let a tender pork loin go to waste so I did what was right and I feasted. That’s when those other pigs showed up, you know who I mean, the fuzz, 5-0, poe poe, yea that’s right the cops. If they weren’t pigs themselves I never would have been wrongfully arrested. I’m just happy justice has been served.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you Mr. Wolfoff. You heard it here Tom, right from the wolf’s mouth. Believe it or not those McDonald’s hating jurors ate it up and that’s all that matters. Oh Tom, here comes the brother of the now deceased pigs. Excuse me Rock and Roll, excuse me, a word please. What are your thoughts on what happened?
Rock and Roll (in British accent): That bloody wanker may have fooled those fat yank cows but not me mate. That rusty bullet holed todger will pay some heavy dividends. What are you doing tonight wabs?
Tricia Takanawa: Me? Um nothing.
Rock and Roll (in British accent): How about we go out and have a few pints and go back to my wank pit and I can maybe landscape your lady garden while you tend to me dangly bits? Sound good Mary?
Tricia Takanawa: My name is Tricia. Aren’t you going to mourn the death of your brothers?
Rock and Roll (in British accent): Who? Those bleedin Roundheads? They’ve already passed off to see King George. Why waste more time on them? Finding a woman like you is as rare as rocking horse shit.
Tricia Takanawa: Back to you Tom.
Tom Tucker: Thank you Tricia and don’t be a prude. The man just lost two bothers for crying out loud. This just in however, Mr. Wolfoff will be back in court next week as he is being accused of running a Ponzi Scheme through his successful mutual fund. He will be held under house arrest in his apartment on the Upper East Side until then and then will probably get off again. This has been the news and we are Quahog 5 covering Quahog like a wet blanket.
No comments:
Post a Comment