Len's Little Pigs Lesson 2

ALEXANDER WOLF—VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCE
OR MURDEROUS CANNIBAL?


Woodsville, IL, September 14, 2007—Yesterday Alexander T. Wolf, known to his friends as Al, was baking a cake to surprise his grandmother on her 80th birthday. He had just finished coaching the Little League team he sponsors, and sending out his annual contribution to United Way, and now he was preheating the oven and buttering the cake pan. Wolf realizing that he didn’t have any sugar, set off to borrow a cup from his nearest neighbors, the Pigs. A pillar of the community, Wolf has lived in Woodsville all his life, and is well known for his generous philanthropy. Little did he suspect that by the time the sun had set and night descended, he would be arrested and charged with 2 counts of murder in the first degree, 2 counts of cannibalism and one count of attempted murder.

“No one wants to listen to my side of the story,” complained Wolf in an exclusive jailhouse interview. “It’s all circumstantial evidence, it’s not at all what it appears to be,” he sniffed. “It’s all because of this damn cold that I’m in this predicament anyway!”

Wolf adamantly denies the charges, which he called false and misleading. His attorney, Paymeup Front, said they were planning to file charges of libel and character assassination against the sole surviving Pig. “My client is completely innocent, and we have an eyewitness to prove it,” said Wolf’s attorney.

According to Wolf, all his troubles began when he tried to borrow a cup of sugar from his neighbors, the Pig brothers. The two deceased Pig had suffered oxygen deprivation at birth and as a result, both Pigs had very low IQs and had severe learning disabilities.

“He ate my brothers, that’s all there is to it, no explanations can undo that fact,” cried
Im-a-real Pig, the older brother of the two deceased pigs. “He should rot in jail for the rest of his miserable life. He’s a murderer and a cannibal.”

After his high velocity sneezes blew down their respective houses made of straw and sticks, which accidentally killed the occupants, eating them seemed the kindest thing to do, said Wolf. “After all, what was I supposed to do, let them rot out there? I should be rewarded, not punished. Just think of all the money I saved Im-a-real Pig on burial costs!”

Pay-me-up Front, Wolf’s lawyer, said that as soon as the grand jury heard from their eyewitness, he was sure the charges would be dropped. Ms. Woodie Chuck, a Woodsville resident, just happened to be nearby when both houses fell down. “It’s not Al’s fault,” she said she told police. “After all, did you ever try to suppress a sneeze?”

Wolf’s grandmother, Lots-of-teeth Wolf, was said to be distraught and inconsolable about her grandson’s incarceration. “He’s a good boy, and because of this big misunderstanding, I didn’t get any cake for my birthday.”