Randerson Rooper: Good Afternoon. I am Randerson Rooper for RNN and on today's episode of Randerson Rooper 180 I am reporting live from the federal courthouse in downtown Anywhere. We will be broadcasting the closing arguments from the trial of Alexander T. Wolf. Wolf is standing trial on two counts of murder and one count of attempted murder. The jurors have been sequestered in a neighboring town for the duration of the trial - unable to speak with their loved ones. One of the jurors, Roger Rabbit, sadly committed suicide last week. His nerves just couldn't deal with the pressure of the trial. Wolf attended Rabbit's funeral and donated 150 pounds of carrots to the Roger Rabbit Fund. The act of a man with a generous heart or a shrewd and cunning ploy by a ruthless murderer? (Pauses.) Wolf is about to deliver his closing argument, let's go inside.
(Camera pans across a courtroom filled to capacity with spectators from every species. Wolf stands in front of the jury box. The faces of the jurors have been blacked out for their safety.)
Alexander T. Wolf: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, for the past 6 weeks the prosecutor has stood before you day after day trying to make you believe that I am a callous killer. Since I am defending myself, I was unable to testify because it would have been pretty ridiculous to scurry back and forth between the witness stand and the floor interrogating myself!
(Jury and spectators laugh).
Judge Yogi Bear: (Pounding gavel) Order! There will be silence in my court!
Wolf: I apologize your Honor. To continue, I would like to take this opportunity to tell you my side of the story. No, let me rephrase - to look each and every one of you in the eye and tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God. On the date in question, I was getting over a terrible upper respiratory tract infection that I caught in Iceland. Why was I Iceland? Not to brag but I dedicate 3 months every year to volunteer with the Wolves Who Love All Animals charity. I was in Iceland helping to rebuild a small town ravaged by deforestation. Anyway, on the day I returned home I realized it was my grandmother's birthday. I didn't have any money since I donated it to a homeless chimpanzee at the airport so I decided a gift from my heart would be best. Who doesn't love cake right? But my pantry was pretty bare and I was all out of sugar. I was a mess - coughing and sneezing like you wouldn't believe. I should've gone to bed but there is no sacrifice too great for my Nana. So I headed over to my neighbor's house to borrow a little sugar. His old house was bulldozed since he couldn't make the mortgage payments and he rebuilt it with straw. It must've been wheat straw cause I'm allergic to wheat and I sneezed something awful and poof, his house just fell apart! There was the First Little Pig, lying under the straw, a victim of my wheat allergy. Wouldn't you know that pork is the remedy to my allergy? So, I ate him to soothe my allergic reaction. With a heavy heart I headed over to his brother's house. They both lost their jobs recently and Second Little Pig rebuilt his bulldozed house with sticks. I wanted to give him my condolences about his brother's death but he was in a terrible mood and refused to let me in. All of sudden I had another sneezing fit and poof, his house just fell apart! There was the Second Little Pig, lying under the sticks, a victim of my upper respiratory tract infection. I figured I needed more pork to help calm my sneezing so I ate him. I went to their brother's house to tell him the sad story and he didn't even give me a chance to speak! I started banging on the door this old wolf drum beat that we play at funerals to honor the dead when the cops came and accused me of murder! So, there you have it members of the jury. My two neighbors gave their lives in sacrifice to heal my wounded and weak body.
Rooper: The court will take a short break and when we return we will hear the prosecution's closing arguments. Stay tuned.
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