A Case of Wolf Racism

Al Sharpwolf: “Man why it always gotta be the wolves that picked on. Ya’ll always tryin to blame it on the wolf’man. First you got a little red girl to say that a wolf ate her grandmother and then that little boy that kept crying wolf ‘till a wolf ate his ass. Ain’t no wolves eat nobodies grandmamas or nobodies little boys. This is outright racism. We gonna march through the forest and demand equality for all animals.”

(In the newsroom)

News Anchor: That was the voice of Al Sharpwolf in front of the county courthouse sharing his anger and disgust at the constant persecution of the Wolf community. The scene inside the courthouse today was just as bizarre as the demonstrations outside. Although no media was allowed inside we were able to obtain a copy of the transcript from today’s proceedings.

“You as the jury should be able to establish the innocence my client, O.J. Wolfson based on the facts provided. To recap, my client was framed for the death of the two pigs when the contractor who built their houses should be at fault. My client when in the process of baking brownies for his grandmother discovered that he had no sugar went over to his closest neighbors, the Pigs. All was going fine until he arrived at the house of the first pig whose straw house at this point was still erect. My client proceeded to knock on the door of the first pig when all of a sudden he noticed the house beginning to collapse. He sought cover but by the time it was all over the straw house and the pig lay flat. He exclaimed to himself in disbelief “What idiot builds a house out of straw?”. Afraid that he would be blamed for such a catastrophe he decided to hide the body of the pig; in his stomach. While such events are thought to be sickening and unpleasant my client technically did not violate any laws. As experts can testify it is in his nature and cannot be blamed for what is not in his control. Following this ordeal the Wolf ran to the house of the second pig. Panicking and frantic, the wolf began to bang violently on the house built of stick of the second pig in order to get his attention, but to his dismay the house collapsed as well. At this point it was the Wolf’s best and worst day of his life. The second house had collapsed killing the pig inside of it. The wolf was shocked and paranoid and figured that he had no choice but to “hide” the second body as well. After he was finished with his consumption the Wolf ran to third pig’s house to notify him that both his brothers had died in an unfortunate case of poor craftsmanship, but at this point it was too late. The third pig noticing the commotion that resulted in the collapse of the second house had managed to call the police and claim that a crazed wolf just tore both of his brother’s houses down and ate them. By the time the Wolf had arrived at the house of the third pig the police had been waiting for him there with their guns drawn. The real criminals are the undocumented Rat workers that built these houses in the first place. Having no formal experience in house construction these Rats built a house that was not only in violation of many zoning laws but downright dangerous. Had it not been for their shoddy construction tactics these events would have never even taken place. The rest of the events have lead us here, to this courtroom today where I stand before you protesting the innocence of my client. I just hope that you, the ladies and gentlemen of the jury find it in your hearts to see the facts as they really happened and grant my client the freedom he truly deserves.”

(Back in the newsroom)

News Anchor: There you have it, the closing statement of the defense. Quite an absurd case this is Bob.

News Analyst: Yes it is, unlike anything I have ever seen in my legal career. Quite frankly I find it very hard to believe the events that took place according to the defense. We’ll just have to wait till the verdict comes.”