Animal Farm 2010

This is Weasel News, reporting today’s live action drama from the Appomattox Courthouse. Folks, we may have the trial of the century here, as the rights of Swine and Sheep not to be eaten are tested by the court. Mr. Alexander Thomas Wolf is accused of two counts of involuntary swine slaughter and post-mortem consumption and three counts of extorting baking substances. Mr. Wolf has earlier entered a growl of not guilty, and claimed he was a victim of his nature, circumstance, and most importantly a severe upper respiratory infection. If convicted on all counts, Mr. Wolf could face a maximum sentence of 20 wolf years (approximately 37 swine years) and state mandated diet modification therapy.

In continuing tradition of fair and unbiased coverage, Weasel News brings you the real, original courtroom transcript, edited by our Patriot team for the sheep’s reading pleasure:

Judge Lion: Does the prosecution have any opening comments?

Prosecutor Hound: No, Your Honor. I would like to call to the stand, my client and the last surviving member of his family, Mr. Swinestein. I know that Mr. Swinestein’s account of the events that took place on that fateful day will be more than enough to convict this brute (points in Mr Wolf’s direction).

Defense Panda: Objection!! I will not have you slander my client in the court of law!

Lion: Sustained. Mr. Hound, as you may have noticed, I myself was not exactly raised on a farm and I turned out all right.

Hound: (sarcastically) My apologies, Your Honor. Mr. Swinestein, would you please tell us what happened.

Swinestein: (taking the stand) It was just another Sunday morning in our quite mountain town. I was eating some of last week’s leftovers when I heard my younger brother Oinkburg scream. I ran to the window and saw that very Wolf standing in front of Oinkburg’s house. My brother was on welfare, so all he could afford was a straw house. The Wolf had already torn down the door and was huffing and puffing outside. Seconds later the whole house was coming down and I heard my brother shriek and fall to the ground. I knew what had happened; Oinkburg suffered a heart attack from the fright he experienced. Like most us pigs, he had high cholesterol. The worst part came next; the Wolf didn’t even call a doctor. He just stood there sniffing and then started to eat… (Swinestein begins to shriek uncontrollably)

Hound: I know this is painful for you Mr. Swinestein, but you must go on. We have had some vegetable scraps brought here to comfort you.

Swinestein: (sobbing and chewing loudly) Thank you. Next I saw the Wolf approach my brother Schweinsteiger’s house. I heard him screaming for sugar and sneezing repeatedly. Sugar must be wolf slang for pork meat; those sick bastards. Naturally, my brother didn’t open. I was praying his house would be strong enough to withstand the brute. You see, Schweinsteiger was also on welfare but his wife just had a litter of 16, so they could afford a house of sticks. But that damned Wolf just kept puffing and screaming until the whole house came down on itself. Poor Schweinsteiger must have been crushed instantly. I couldn’t look anymore. Luckily the hounds came soon and cornered the monster, before he could get anyone else. Creatures like that should be kept in cages.

Panda: If you are finished insulting my client Mr. Swinestein, I would like Mr. Wolf to tell what really happened.

Wolf: First of all, I would like to disperse some negative stereotypes about my species. It sickens me the way the carnivorous demographic is always portrayed by the media as uncivilized savages. My parents and I graduated …

Make sure to read Weasel News as we bring you the verdict tomorrow. Meanwhile we would love to hear your opinions on the subject. Should we nuke Alaskan wolves in the name of national security? Should we send all American wolves to internment camps to avoid any backlash after A. Wolf is surely convicted tomorrow? Let us know.