Wolves Lie, Pigs Die

An Editorial by Zachary Alex Stern

It was a harrowing day in court for the third pig-brother today, as the Big Bad Wolf took the stand in his own defense. Fresh from his acquittal in the Little Red Riding hood case, it’s worth noting that the wolf got off on a mere technicality. The arrest report was never signed, and the whole case was declared a mistrial. His guilt is still a matter of opinion.

The wolf claimed that the whole situation is just a misunderstanding; that he just happened to be at the scene of the deaths of two of the pig-brothers. Not only that, but he claims to just happen to have been doing the same thing that killed the first two pigs, outside the house of the third. He claims to have been “sneezing” repeatedly. The wolf was reported to have said to the third pig “Little Pig, Little Pig, Let Me In”, in a menacing manner, drool streaming from his mouth.

The wolf did his best to convince the jury that this was merely the result of him having a terrible cold. Who ever heard of a cold causing drooling? Sounds like a bunch of hooey to this reporter. The story about the wolf just trying to borrow a cup of sugar? What a joke. We can’t allow a dangerous criminal such as the Big Bad Wolf to roam our streets, terrorizing small animals! Even if he is telling the truth, what kind of citizen accidentally kills somebody, and then eats their remains? Maybe we should start calling him Hannibal Lector.

The trial resumes tomorrow, with the prosecution planning to call several witnesses. Mr. James Bunny and his Girlfriend Shirley the Squirrel are expected to give damning testimony, that will surely seal the wolf’s fate. No getting off on a technicality this time Mr. Wolf.

Wait a minute. . . what am I talking about. Animals can’t talk. Wolves can’t tell stories! What would a wolf want with a cup of sugar?

An orderly walks into the room, and says “Zachary, it’s time to stop playing with the typewriter and take your medication. Don’t make me sedate you like last time.”